Mrna Tracy Dibble, MSW, LCSW, is one of our most requested presenters and Life Coach. She has been a very successful Marriage and Family Therapist for more than 30 years. Each month Mrna answers your questions right here. Her warmth and wit should not be missed. Ask Mrna, please submit the here.
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Ask the Expert
Dear Mrna:
“Lately it feels like our 11 year old Daughter is always angry with me. If I ask her to clean her room, she blows up, her favorite shirt is not clean? She blows up. Sometimes she blows up for no reason at all saying things like “I hate you.” And in the same breath she wants me to do something for her (like take her to the mall!). That’s the last thing I want to do. But sometimes I am so tired I give in then I’m mad at myself. What can I do?” Yours truly, Mall Mom
Dear “Mall Mom”,
I often think that the preadolescent “phase” is more difficult than the teen years. Pre-ads are starting to notice that they are on the cusp of being young adults with all the imagined privileges therein. Their judgment skills are not adequate to make some of the decisions that they want to make. Pre adolescents don’t know who they are but they surely know who they AREN’T and that’s YOU. If you like red, they’ll hate it. Their music is usually pretty awful and they are delighted that we don’t like it. You can take most of this with a grain of salt and know that you and your child will live through it (and you will too). My husband made up a word for this phase. He called it “entitlementality”. That is, “I’m entitled to have what I want no matter how I act.”
Remember that you are teaching your child how the world works so that she will be more successful in it. She doesn’t drive, probably doesn’t cook yet, can’t buy without help from you. She only has the power that you give her. If you can step back emotionally and decide that you are the adult and you will set standards for how your household behaves. You can begin to use non-emotional phrases to deal with it. “I’m sorry, I couldn’t possibly take you to the mall after you’ve been so disrespectful to me.” -or- “Please go to your room (or some safe place) until you are under control”. You can teach your child how to be angry with you (and you can learn how to be angry with her). It’s OK to say, “I’m angry at you” but ‘I hate you’ is too hurtful for me. I can’t reward hurtful behavior by taking you to your friend’s house”.
Try it. I think that you will find that this “phase” will pass and your child will be a much more respectful child.
